"bubble and spark."

I promised myself I would carve out some space to write today. Now, here it is, nearly midnight, and after driving some actors to/from the grocery store, I am just sitting down to write.

So far, every day at the National Theatre Conservatory has been a lurching, rattletap streetcar ride. Those glorious, golden aha moments punctuate long stretches of confusion. I guess I've entertained wildly ambitious hopes. I shook Paula Vogel's hand. Often, I just want to go home and sleep. I have felt competent, stupid, beautiful, and ridiculous.

Ha, these adjectives aren't very specific, are they? Isn't it funny how, when you are caught up in the thick of a feeling, your writing becomes abstract? Well, at least that's true for me.

I am humbled daily. Right now, in scene study class, I am fed up with my scene and angry at my incompetency, angry at my teacher for not liking my work better. Begrudgingly, I admit that she is right to make the suggestions she does ... but when she told me, flat out, to get out of my head and cease over-intellectualizing, I became hurt and couldn't say yes to anything she asked me to do from there on out. I mean, I went through the motions, but couldn't engage

Underneath my tv/film, Shakespeare, stage combat, voice, movement, music, extended character, hip hop, audition and scene study classes, a few questions bubble and spark. How can I use my fears and uncertainties -- the "shaky place" -- to energize my work, rather than allowing fear to shut me down as an artist? How can I acknowledge this huge part of me honestly without crippling myself from the get-go? And if I am a Christian, why am I so afraid?

Also, for me, to act professionally would require a long, sweaty fight -- am I willing to fight that fight, at the cost of relationships, financial stability, etc. etc.?

Tonight, I'm a bit discouraged by some disappointments I experienced this afternoon, and tired after a long stint of driving. However, for the most part, I am just thankful to have a space in which to engage important questions, to learn by doing. I am thankful to have access to a dance room with the sun streaming in, and cars howling below in the street. I can hop, skip and wonder in it. If you think of me during the next few days, friends, please pray I'll live, move and act with courage, openness and kindness through the acting studios. Pray that I'll be given a soft heart and new courage, and that I can shower the other tired students with love and kindness.

"Pray freely for thyself and pray for all who long for larger life and heavenly cheer;
And Truth shall make thee free, there is no fear."
-Geoffry Chaucer, from Ballade of Good Counsel. Modern version by Henry VanDyke